Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda….

It’s interesting how being an autism parent, after time, you get cozy in what you know. You get less hung up on the things your child “should” be doing and are better at understanding the alternate life and experience of living with an adult with autism. It’s neither good nor bad, but simply it just is. There becomes a familiarity to it.

Most of the time, it hurts less and you feel a sense of relief that the really really hard parts in the beginning, so much is unknown and each year, you get hung up on the “shoulds.”

Should he be talking?

Should he be potty trained by now?

Should he be in the sped room or inclusion?

Those “shoulds are less and less…

Until they’re not.

Halloween has always been a big deal for Hunter. He loves everything about it, the costumes, the candy, the interaction with people handing out the candy.

For someone with a social skills deficits, it honestly is the one thing he does that requires social skills that he, in any other situation, would be a hard pass.

This year, while Hunter didn’t get the costume he wanted…it was one of those situations where he told me, a week prior to Halloween what he wanted to be and it was not possible to get the costume in time.

So he settled…he would be Woody from Toy Story.

He was happy, he had his hat, his boots and all day, anyone who saw him would have been met with a, “Reach for the SKY…”

As usual, I send him out into the neighborhood, mind you, the neighborhood we have lived in for 8 years, to trick or treat.

And to be fair, to trick or treat our neighborhood, takes work. There is a lot walking and hills to climb…and he did all of this..in brand new boots, without a jacket because it ruined the look of the costume.

Each year, one of Hunter’s siblings is tasked with taking him trick or treating. For no other reason than to keep him company and safe walking around in the dark.

Honestly, it is one of the few things that Hunter assumes he will do with a sibling.

This year was Hayden’s turn and both my boys, in costume, headed out.

I didn’t expect anything to be different this year…it’s always the same.

Hunter’s feet get tired, or his “abs” hurt from walking or he’s cold.

Either way, it generally ends in one of two ways and the draw for candy is outweighed by Hunter’s comfort.

But when they returned, it was the one thing I know I should have thought of, but I didn’t

Another “should…”

“Should you guys be trick or treating???”

A simple question, posed to Hayden from one of my neighbors.

While I know there is a lot of discussion on the appropriate “age” for trick or treating, but, in all honestly, its pretty easy to spot that Hunter is not a typically 20 year old trying to score free candy by walking around in a Toy Story costume…

And I question ones need to begrudge older teens and young adults a mini size Snickers because you feel they are too old to be trick or treating.

Does it matter?

Should it matter?

Should they be asking?

Should have I felt as heartbroken as I did?

And while Hunter didn’t understand what was going on, Hayden sure did.

Should have I sent him?

Should Hayden have said something?

Should we really be here as a society?

Cruel, judgmental, intolerant, emboldened?

Has the anonymity of our online world, keep us aiming to always “get” someone?

Is that how we feel “big?”

There are so many things that we should be..

We should be tolerant.

We should be inclusive.

We should be more observant.

We should assume less and love more.

We have become a society that focuses more on what others should be doing.

And ignoring what we should be doing.